Empowered

Drinking is dangerous and selfish, that is the truth about alcoholism. As such, I understand the worries of my parents regarding my habits and tastes. They just want me to be a good man. But there is a reason I like to drink, as I see for many people it is just because they like, they like the felling of being slightly “happier”, of being slightly drunk. Others like to let themselves loose and wild and then regret it in the morning. When hangover strikes nobody seems to like it anymore. I might not like it either, but it is not as negative for me.

When I drink a lot one night, inside certain limits, I almost feel normal the next day and the thing I like very much about it is that I feel renewed, as if my whole energy had been drained, as if I had been on the verge of dying a very sweet, tender death and everything else in my life but my true priorities were put into a second plane. As if everything fell into its right place and there was nothing else to worry besides being what I truly am.

Somehow that feeling, that moment of peace makes me stronger because I can hear my parents scolding me for what they believe is becoming an addiction, but I hear them in the distance. I don’t say a thing, I keep it to myself, but I can stand it because inside me, I am in peace, everything is quiet and calm. It’s almost as dreaming.

And that peace that comes after the drained energy reminds me of my limits, the things I can overcome and the things I can’t. I feel small and safe as I am, but full of possibilities, with all the time in the world at my disposal. Ready to accept whatever life brings upon me. Ready to think and decide and wait, to take a moment of peace for me, to avoid vain hurries and worries. Because I am not going anywhere.

Sometimes I am slightly dizzy and can not think quickly. But I like it. It gives me what I need to continue living. Sometimes that is just a moment of private peace.

Comprehension

I had not had the pleasure of drinking alcohol in some time, in fact several months. But last friday I did it, it happened with some of my classmates. It was just some kind of boring party and at first I thought I really should not have gone in there. I am not good talking to people. Ussually that does not affect me, I've lived my life that way for a long time. But I was just felling a bit sad because somehow I was not being myself. That led me to decide to drink, I drank a bit slowly, not as much as some other times. That made me happy, I laughed like never in that party. That did not change the fact that I was alone, but I was happy.

I understood at last what it can mean for other people, to party, to drink and just laugh. It is a very social experience (for others), it can be relaxing. For me... well I just don't care about the others, at least not that people. They were nobody for me just as I was nobody for them.

Failure

Never has a problem been so big for me as being unable to understand when and how people expect me to talk or say something. Usually I am the one who doesn't talk, who is there among a group of people just listening to them. People usually see that as a lack of confidence or distrust. For me it is just a case of not knowing what to say, because when I listen to people talk I am internally thinking many ways to answer, to ask, but the things I would say seem aggressive and dangerous, at least I think people will take them that way. I want to be friendly but I can't. I know I am not much of a fun person and that's OK. But I loose many important things, many moments and bits of information about what other people is saying ant that's key to being friendly, for people to like me.

Today I failed twice. First a friend of me asked me for help to complain about a situation at school, just to go with him and say something. But I simply couldn't do that. Latter we went with other guys from school and had some drinks and talked... but I sat there just listening, just watching. It was a sad and log failure, just as if I was not able to cope with that. I am not very aware of what other people like me to do, now I realize my problem is to think that way, not being myself simply. People seem to complain about the times I say nothing, but have never complained about something I have said.

Shutting down your words may be wise, just not for me.

My place

As much as I like alcohol and the like, I'm no expert of prepared drinks. I think some of them are good, others are bad and that's about all I know. Today I was just in my way home but decided to go with some people from school to have some drinks and fun. I don't want to be pessimistic, but I had no much of any of them in that place. It was not exactly a party, just people talking and drinking in the garden. At first I thought I should not have gone but in the end it was nice. I was there with a friend, and he was a good company, most of the time he did not leave alone and we were there just listening to what people had to say. Everybody was nice but I did not know very well how to be nice to them in return. I did not know what to say, how to laugh. I have thought for some time that parties and the like are not my think, as the drinks served there are not what I enjoy. I don't belong there, or maybe I just have to make myself valuable for those people and find my place there. That's always been a big problem for me.

After that I went with my friend for some beer, we drank in the car again. I know it is not a very responsible think to do but when else could I do it? another case of me not finding my place. Anyway, we had a nice time together drinking slowly, just talking. He told me about the girls he had met and the role they had played in his life. About finding real love, having to leave it behind and going on with your life. It is a sad think, but also a very realistic one. That may be the only way to live. I didn't know very well what to say while he was talking but then I realized he just wanted someone to listen to him. I was able to do that very well. He appreciated it and I noticed. That night I learned everybody has feelings, and that it really does not matter how yo do in life, what your sins are, everybody is still human and in the end all of us want to be someone to the others, to mean something. All we want is to find our place.

Down

I have a friend, or so I think. Let´s call him Pete. Our friendship is something strange, maybe he does not even consider it that way. But for me it is very special. Some time ago I was depressed, I mean I was really down, thinking about killing myself and all that. And one day I just met him again, it's not easy to explain. I had met him before, had talked with him but had never known him enough. This time we talked more, and his words somehow inspired me. In that moment it was enough to save my life.


Now I don't see him very often, but when we do it is something I really like. Somehow he is the only person who does not seem to have prejudices toward me, the one who advises me no to be alone, to have friends and be myself. I really appreciate him. Sometimes, when we are lucky, we find the way to escape our daily routine and drink together. There is always something positive I can found about it. Good old times.


Last Monday was one of those times. We had beer, a couple of friends joined us. It was very fun and happy. We drank in a very solitary street, next to a very quiet garden. They talked about the times they did some bad things. I do not pretend to judge them in any way, but I can't avoid to think in the differences between us. I don't think I have done the kind of things they have done, all the evil I have done has been to myself. And, at the same time, they don't seem so lost as me. They have spirit.


I drank too much that night, I almost fell asleep right there. They helped me and Pete just drove around. It was dark, nobody in the street. They began to try steal from the cars parked there. It was sometimes risky. It was not happy, I do not do that kind of things. But I still understand them. I decided to do nothing, I would not stop them or anything. They are still my friends.


But I realize all that points toward the same: I am going down again. Not because of the things I write here, but because of the way I feel about them. What they mean to me. I was talking with Pete about that day, I told him, joking, I was alcoholic. He said that was not true, that if I was alcoholic I would be denying it. I think about that, it might be true. But somehow I would like to be.

Never by yourself

Just last Monday I felt like drinking. I had nowhere to go, so I did it while walking home from school. It may be appear pathetic to some, but for me it was a very pleasing experience. It was quiet, lonely, soothing and in many ways, happier than I had previously thought. The sun of the evening was cool, the way I took home was beautiful and there was very few people around, yet I felt safe. For me, that was life made an instant.



I took this photo that day, just before getting home.

I repeated the experience the next day, and it was very soothing too. I remember there are several times I had done this before, I have drunk alone in the park, in the street, hidden in my bedroom when there is nobody at home. I am not a heavy drinker (maybe that`s hard to believe for you) and I usually don't go to parties, bars or the like. So I think that almost half the times I have drunk have been by myself. But then I found someone who said about drugs: "do it whenever you want to, just never by yourself. That's when you know you are addict." I think it's funny, maybe it has meaning, perhaps I am addict in a way.

Finding myself

Sometimes I lose myself. I don´t know where I´m going. It is not easy to be myself, to do all the things I should do, to keep going. It seems like everything should be easy, when you see people all around you doing what thy do every day, every moment, and they look good while doing it. I mean, they look at least sane, while I feel a little piece of me is dying every moment. When I decided to start this blog I wasn´t sure what I was doing. Now I know I just want to find a way of self expression. A couple of weeks ago I found this piece of text in a webpage:

" When I was 14 years old, skateboarding saved my life. It empowered me with individuality and a very physical, yet positive and productive form of self expression. As a professional skater, I see it as my job to pass on that torch of inspiration. So I get in the car or on the plane and I go. Drive is the story of my life in skateboarding and one the road. It's about my mission to make a positive difference. I believe that young people all over the world are worth my time and energy. They are the future, and so I do what I do and I am who I am. My name is Mike Vallely. I'm a skateboarder."

I was feeling very bad back then, and it helped. It made a difference in my way of thinking. I had to hold tears back beacouse the moment I read that I understood myself.