Failure

Never has a problem been so big for me as being unable to understand when and how people expect me to talk or say something. Usually I am the one who doesn't talk, who is there among a group of people just listening to them. People usually see that as a lack of confidence or distrust. For me it is just a case of not knowing what to say, because when I listen to people talk I am internally thinking many ways to answer, to ask, but the things I would say seem aggressive and dangerous, at least I think people will take them that way. I want to be friendly but I can't. I know I am not much of a fun person and that's OK. But I loose many important things, many moments and bits of information about what other people is saying ant that's key to being friendly, for people to like me.

Today I failed twice. First a friend of me asked me for help to complain about a situation at school, just to go with him and say something. But I simply couldn't do that. Latter we went with other guys from school and had some drinks and talked... but I sat there just listening, just watching. It was a sad and log failure, just as if I was not able to cope with that. I am not very aware of what other people like me to do, now I realize my problem is to think that way, not being myself simply. People seem to complain about the times I say nothing, but have never complained about something I have said.

Shutting down your words may be wise, just not for me.

My place

As much as I like alcohol and the like, I'm no expert of prepared drinks. I think some of them are good, others are bad and that's about all I know. Today I was just in my way home but decided to go with some people from school to have some drinks and fun. I don't want to be pessimistic, but I had no much of any of them in that place. It was not exactly a party, just people talking and drinking in the garden. At first I thought I should not have gone but in the end it was nice. I was there with a friend, and he was a good company, most of the time he did not leave alone and we were there just listening to what people had to say. Everybody was nice but I did not know very well how to be nice to them in return. I did not know what to say, how to laugh. I have thought for some time that parties and the like are not my think, as the drinks served there are not what I enjoy. I don't belong there, or maybe I just have to make myself valuable for those people and find my place there. That's always been a big problem for me.

After that I went with my friend for some beer, we drank in the car again. I know it is not a very responsible think to do but when else could I do it? another case of me not finding my place. Anyway, we had a nice time together drinking slowly, just talking. He told me about the girls he had met and the role they had played in his life. About finding real love, having to leave it behind and going on with your life. It is a sad think, but also a very realistic one. That may be the only way to live. I didn't know very well what to say while he was talking but then I realized he just wanted someone to listen to him. I was able to do that very well. He appreciated it and I noticed. That night I learned everybody has feelings, and that it really does not matter how yo do in life, what your sins are, everybody is still human and in the end all of us want to be someone to the others, to mean something. All we want is to find our place.