Failure

Never has a problem been so big for me as being unable to understand when and how people expect me to talk or say something. Usually I am the one who doesn't talk, who is there among a group of people just listening to them. People usually see that as a lack of confidence or distrust. For me it is just a case of not knowing what to say, because when I listen to people talk I am internally thinking many ways to answer, to ask, but the things I would say seem aggressive and dangerous, at least I think people will take them that way. I want to be friendly but I can't. I know I am not much of a fun person and that's OK. But I loose many important things, many moments and bits of information about what other people is saying ant that's key to being friendly, for people to like me.

Today I failed twice. First a friend of me asked me for help to complain about a situation at school, just to go with him and say something. But I simply couldn't do that. Latter we went with other guys from school and had some drinks and talked... but I sat there just listening, just watching. It was a sad and log failure, just as if I was not able to cope with that. I am not very aware of what other people like me to do, now I realize my problem is to think that way, not being myself simply. People seem to complain about the times I say nothing, but have never complained about something I have said.

Shutting down your words may be wise, just not for me.