When I drink a lot one night, inside certain limits, I almost feel normal the next day and the thing I like very much about it is that I feel renewed, as if my whole energy had been drained, as if I had been on the verge of dying a very sweet, tender death and everything else in my life but my true priorities were put into a second plane. As if everything fell into its right place and there was nothing else to worry besides being what I truly am.
Somehow that feeling, that moment of peace makes me stronger because I can hear my parents scolding me for what they believe is becoming an addiction, but I hear them in the distance. I don’t say a thing, I keep it to myself, but I can stand it because inside me, I am in peace, everything is quiet and calm. It’s almost as dreaming.
And that peace that comes after the drained energy reminds me of my limits, the things I can overcome and the things I can’t. I feel small and safe as I am, but full of possibilities, with all the time in the world at my disposal. Ready to accept whatever life brings upon me. Ready to think and decide and wait, to take a moment of peace for me, to avoid vain hurries and worries. Because I am not going anywhere.
Sometimes I am slightly dizzy and can not think quickly. But I like it. It gives me what I need to continue living. Sometimes that is just a moment of private peace.